Escape from City College – Dear California State University, Fear My Beard. Love, Nick Palm

By Nick Palm
The Guardsman

Application time is upon us, my friends! You all have exactly 42 days to complete your applications, while praying for acceptance into an overcrowded CSU or UC campus.

For everyone approaching the point of transferring to a four-year school, this is like the scene from “Escape From Alcatraz” where Clint Eastwood’s character Frank Morris diligently molds a papier-mâché copy of his head to throw off prison guards who pass his cell at night.

Trust me, it’s just like that. I’ve even been using old copies of The Guardsman as a primary source for Nick Palm face-material.

I received a thoughtful e-mail last week from Donna Hayes, a counselor at City College. She told me not to fret over the application process, as it’s much less daunting than television programs and Hollywood make it out to be.

She also pointed out I should seriously consider finishing my application before the Nov. 30 deadline.

According to Hayes, last year a network system crash close to the deadline left many last-minute Larrys unable to finish their applications.

I can imagine the collective cry of these poor souls, as their screens went black: “Oh whimsical devil of technology, why have you forsaken us at the most basic of levels? The Internet! It is you, mechanical Beelzebub, who has retarded the already slim likelihood of ever subduing my parents into content!”

Something like that.

As for myself, I can only pray that life will take a backseat for a couple of hours these next few weeks so I can complete my application online.

My point behind all this: I am calling on universities to bring back the prehistoric paper applications known only to our ancestors. Mainly because the quality of my penmanship is only surpassed by my uncanny ability to construct a world class sandwich at a moment’s notice—most notably, the BLT and its avocado-heavy west coast variation, the BLAT.

My poetically-crossed lettering would undoubtedly impress any assessor of college applications, inevitably securing me a place at the university of my choosing—not limiting me to DeVry, or it’s big sister, Dartmouth.

Please, City College transfer students, consider completing your CSU and UC applications as soon as humanly possible. You can do so at csumentor.org and universityofcalifornia.edu/apply.

Their servers will thank you later.

Plus, it will leave you more time to focus on what really matters in life: Giants fever.

Buster “The Pose-Monster” Posey and company are in the midst of an epic battle against the Philadelphia Phillies, vying for a spot in the World Series.

Yes, the fall classic is upon us, and it’s “hitting” close to home.

Get it? It was a baseball pun—cue the baseball pun music.

As much as we’d all love to focus on important scholastic matters like bio-technology and piñata construction, the all-too-torturous task of following the Giants has everybody’s mind whirling with childish delight and fantasy.

After all, the Giants need a World Series Championship like Meg Whitman needs hair transplant surgery to fix her inexplicable male-pattern baldness.

And my slight resemblance to the Giants’ closing pitcher and master of the ninja arts Brian Wilson (see above picture) proves my devotion to the Orange and Black.

“My beard,” as they say, “is to be feared.” For my facial hair equips me with the knowledge required to drop bombs of sanity and clarity on the student population of City College… that is, if they read my column.

Until we meet again, I leave you with three tasks. E-mail me with your updates upon completion:

1) Root for your Giants; they need all the support they can get.

2) Vote, it is your civic duty. If not for me, do it in case you want to run for governor some day.

3) Complete your transfer applications. I’m not your mother, I won’t do it for you.