Please not zombies, anything but sombies

By Omri Petitte
Contributing Writer

The word “zombie” evokes an intangible mess of villainy, grotesquerie and none-too-subtle cliché. Sure, the undead have pervaded pop culture ever since 1932’s first feature length zombie film, “White Zombie”—especially in the context of video games where they are highly visible and even embraced.

Don’t get me wrong—some games are meant to feature our shambling brethren. “Left 4 Dead 2” espouses teamwork to escape some terrifyingly clever undead foes such as the pouncing Hunter and the gargantuan Tank.

“Dead Rising 2” allows us to fashion some of the most ridiculous zombie-slaying weapons ever (such as machine-gun wheelchairs and chainsaw boat paddles). And the quirky “Plants vs. Zombies” illustrates the benefits of keeping a well-tended garden during a zombie apocalypse.

But then there are certain games that contain walking corpses purely out of principle or because of some boneheaded notion that mindless horrors represent the biggest challenge a game can possibly throw at you.

Here are few examples of great games which should have remained unscathed from zombie mania.

1. Red Dead Redemption
Let me make this extremely clear: Like Will Smith, zombies have no place in the wild west. But try telling that to the throngs of cowboys who downloaded the zombie-themed “Undead Nightmare,” the latest add-on pack for “Red Dead Redemption.”

As if dealing with smelly, unwashed bandits wasn’t already an unpleasant task, protagonist John Marston now has to deal with smelly, unwashed, undead bandits, townsfolk and animals.

Rockstar Games’ often far-fetched adherence to realism in its titles typically precludes walking dead people. But RDR hails itself as the gritty retelling of an important piece of American history, an allegory for the rise of technology in the face of traditionalism. After conferring with a historian, I can confirm that no documentation exists of a zombie plague playing any part in defining the early 1900s.

2. Call of Duty: World at War
Most of us are familiar with the awesome concept of Nazi zombies. If it weren’t for the unfathomable inclusion of one of the zaniest backstories I’ve ever had the displeasure to read, this game’s unlockable zombie mode could have been a worthwhile accessory to its run-of-the-mill single-player campaign;

I won’t even try to explain the specifics on why a bunch of undead Germans and Japanese showed up in the Pacific Theater and Germany. Let’s just say it involves teleportation, Area 51 and a mutant pregnant hellhound named Fluffy.

Shooting Nazi zombies in the face never gets old; hell, it’s the patriotic thing to do. But that’s all I want my mind to occupy itself with while I perform the deed. I don’t want to wonder if the whole mess could have been averted if some demonic schnauzer had a litter of zombie puppies. Essentially, if any semblance of a plot is grafted onto the action, the resulting abomination kills the fun.

3. Mass Effect
Wait! There aren’t any zombies in “Mass Effect”?

In the traditional sense, no. In the self-righteous and literally highly technical sense, definitely yes.

Enter the Husk. According to the game’s official codex, Husks are synthetic creations formed out of the remains of a human impaled upon large spikes left behind by the robotic Geth. When approached within reaching distance, a Husk will emit an electrical charge that disables shields and causes massive damage.

Their eyes are twin orbs of emptiness. They dutifully shuffle towards you whenever you get too close. Their heads loll to the side while their arms stretch out in grasping motions. But please, don’t call them zombies, even though that’s what they blatantly are.

The real issue with Husks, however, is that they totally contradict the game’s heavy science fiction influence. I’m wearing high-tech armor that would put “Starcraft’s” Protoss to shame, I bristle with weaponry that fire massless metal shavings and my alien-stocked starship is a technophile’s wet dream come true.

4. Halo
As the first entry in one of the most successful franchises of all time, “Halo” introduced us to such memorable characters as Master Chief, Cortana and the Elites.

The appearance of zombie-like enemies in the midst of “Halo’s” heavy science fiction motif sends mixed messages. Isn’t this game supposed to be an epic space opera or something? Why am I being forced to deal with scuttling boogers who possess the tactical wherewithal of a doorknob?

To add insult to injury, some of the damn things have enough dexterity to even shoot you. Now that’s just mean.