The Zemanifesto (8-26-10)

By Greg Zeman
The Guardsman

All of the Guardsman editors had a recent meeting where we came up with this crazy idea for our editorial: What if everybody in the United States was protected by some kind of law that ensured their right to freely practice the religion of their choice, regardless of the opinion or prejudice of the majority? I know, it seems like pretty radical stuff—we all thought the same thing at first—but we discussed it endlessly and, in the end, it seemed only fair.

So imagine our surprise when we discovered there is a document called “The United States Constitution” that has been around since 1787. And guess what, it already provides the kind of religious freedom we agreed to advocate at our editor’s meeting.

Needless to say, we were as disappointed as we were shocked by the discovery of this “Constitution,” which beat us to the punch on our “religious tolerance” idea by over 200 years, but we have since decided to embrace it.

Furthermore, we have pledged to let the people who don’t know about the religious freedoms guaranteed to them know:

1. “The Constitution” does exist
2.  It does protect people of all religions
3. People of all religions include Muslims.

The Torment of Sisyphus

Those of you who have taken (or are now taking) a mythology course are familiar with the agony of Sisyphus—the ancient, Greek king doomed to roll a boulder up a towering hill in Hades again and again for all eternity as punishment for thinking he was so damned clever.

Having said that, you are hereby informed that I have returned to The Guardsman as Editor in Chief, despite my well-documented declaration that I would, “never work at that [expletive] paper ever again, even if they paid me in gold and gefilte fish.”

Which, for the record, they most definitely are not doing.

Clever Subhead

We’ve got some brand new content in the paper this semester, like “Escape From City College,” our own Op/Ed Editor Nick Palm’s record of his continuing efforts to… well, actually, the title is pretty much self-explanatory.

I appreciate Mr. Palm’s razor wit, wry humor and keen eye for absurdity, but what I really appreciate most is that he’s giving me the opportunity to run a picture of Kurt Russel as “Snake” Plissken in the 1981 film Escape From New York.

Thanks Nick, you’re A-number-one.

But we also have the return of a Guardsman classic. That’s right; after months of waking up at 2:15 a.m. to the sound of him slurring desperately into the receiver of various payphones throughout the city, and more recently, watching him burst into bitter tears in front of two young women in the newsroom, I have decided to allow banished Sports Editor Bontá Hill to resurrect the Water Cooler.

I’m sure my bookie is already salivating over all the losing sports bets I’ll be placing now that Mr. Hill is once again gracing our pages with his athletic expertise. Thankfully, I held on to my crutches from his “stone cold lock” on the Colts against the Saints in last season’s Super Bowl.

And as an extra treat to our readers, I didn’t bring back Suite/Street 415. Enjoy.

—GZ